If Fathers Ruled The World, There Would Only Be Onesies

If Fathers Ruled The World, There Would Only Be Onesies

It took me three months to figure it out, but I’ve discovered the dirty little secret that is baby clothes. The entire infant garment industry is a scam, ladies and gentlemen. One big adorable scam.

The epiphany hit me one day while I was doing laundry—baby laundry to be specific. It was a realization as sudden as a baby’s random, no-good puke. It came out of nowhere and it left me ripe with more questions than answers.

For example: Why are we dressing little babies up as bears, sunflowers, and story book characters like Tigger? Why are we dressing them up as policemen, firemen… or anything resembling a full-grown adult? Why are we rushing them into a profession so soon? And if they’re going to grow up to be a furry, why do we parents think it’s our right to choose what kind of furry they’ll be?

Adults don’t dress up in footie pajamas, at least none of us with jobs. So it makes no sense to dress babies up in suits and dresses, even if they are soft and cute and handcrafted out of the things dreams are made of. The world is an insanely confusing place for a baby. Why are we adding to their confusion?

Here's Macklin in what I assume is his favorite onesie (or, what I call a onesie... long sleeves, pants, and feet).
Here’s Macklin in what I assume is his favorite onesie (or, what I call a onesie… long sleeves, pants, and feet).

My biggest question, though, is why are we over-complicating something that should really be over-simplified? Nothing about living with an infant is easy, except for maybe playing who can smile the longest. (Great game, BTW, except when it’s bedtime. Then it’s a cruel test of character—would you rather add a few more moments of joy to your child’s life, or get a few extra minutes of sleep?)  So few things are easy when it comes to raising a child, so why not take the opportunity to streamline the daily chore of dressing and undressing?

There Should Only Be Onesies

I say this a lot, but somehow it bears repeating. It’s in the name, folks. Onesie. There’s only one. It only goes on one way, it comes off one way, and it needs no accessorizing. It’sthe one, as far as I’m concerned. Forget the holy trinity of top, bottom, and socks. The Onesie is a clothing deity unto itself.

Oh, and let me be clear: I’m talking about long-sleeves, long-pants, footed onesies (also known as “sleep and plays,” or “sleepers” for short). The only thing worthy of a moniker like onesie, in my opinion. I’m not referring to the conventional onesie, which would be more aptly named baby-wife-beater-cutoffs. Those things are great if you live in Florida and never go outside. Other than that, they require pants… and lose all benefit of onesification.

Okay, back to my rant. Parents, consider how much time you’d save if you only had to pick from… wait for it… NOTHING. You don’t have to pick, don’t you see? Just stock up on a boatload of onesies. You can get different colors if you really feel the urge. I don’t. Unless they’re on sale. Then I’m down for any color or pattern combination that exists.

Better yet… get a onesie with a built-in floor scrubber! Image via techeblog.com

But if you truly followed through with the simplification process and indeed only bought white or black onesies for your child, think of the resulting simplification of your laundry routine. It’d be faster to sort and faster to put away, and you’d never run into any problems with colors bleeding onto his your favorite sweater. You could spend all that free time playing the smiling game!

No Matter How Many Ways You Look at It… Onesies!

As a father, I have a very selfish motive behind all this. I don’t want to look like the asshat that doesn’t know how to dress his kid. It’s a real worry in my life, thanks to my issues with color vision. I don’t want to deal with the unnecessary stress of having to match a shirt with the right pair of pants (and… it’s unnecessary). I want the onesie!

From a baby’s perspective, I can safely say they don’t give two poops about what they’re wearing. How can I be so sure, you ask? Well, stare at the nearest wall for 60 seconds straight and pretend it’s the literally the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen in your life. That’s a baby’s perspective. Thus, he is going to freaking love anything you put on him. He doesn’t have the worldly experience to recognize how dull and boring his outfit really is. It’s a beautiful thing, and we should take advantage of it as long as we can.

And don’t get me started on the whole gender identity nonsense… mostly because I haven’t fully formed an opinion on that one yet. What I do believe, however, is that boys will be boys and girls will be girls around the same time they stop being babies. Until then, they can all look alike. It’ll give the old lady at Costco something to talk about.

Post originally appeared on AreaVoices.com 

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